You know that thing where you scroll back through old photos, trying to feel even a fraction of the joy you used to have? And it’s like looking at a stranger’s life. That was you, same face, same name, but you can’t quite reach how she felt. Light. Open. Herself. 🧠
If you’ve done that, I want to tell you something I needed to hear when I was doing it too: she isn’t gone. She’s not lost, and she’s not a person you “used to be.” She’s still in there. Here’s the neuroscience of why, and how you get back to her.
“Myself” isn’t a fixed thing — it’s a brain state
We talk about identity like it’s solid. This is just who I am now. But your sense of self isn’t carved in stone. It’s a neurological construct, a pattern your brain runs, shaped moment to moment by your brain chemistry and state.
When you’re calm and your bucket is empty, your brain runs the version of you that feels warm, capable, funny, open. When you’re stuck in survival mode with a full stress bucket, your brain runs a different pattern entirely, guarded, flat, anxious, small. Same person. Different state. The woman in the old photos isn’t a lost person, she’s a brain state you’ve lost easy access to. ✨
Why she feels so far away right now
There’s a specific reason you can’t just summon the old you. When we’re low, the prefrontal cortex downregulates and cuts off easy access to the memories and feelings of what it’s like to be well. So when you look at those photos and can’t feel it? That’s not because that joy is gone forever. It’s because your brain, in its current state, can’t reach it.
It’s like knowing a song is on your phone but not being able to find it in the moment. The file isn’t deleted. The path to it is just temporarily blocked. 🧘
How you find your way back
You don’t get back to yourself by trying to force the old feelings. You get there by changing the state your brain is running in. In practice:
- Empty the bucket, bring the cortisol down so your brain isn’t stuck in the guarded, flat, survival version of you
- Rebuild the pathways, deliberately and repeatedly walking your brain toward calm and joy strengthens those neural routes again
- One step at a time, the staircase. You don’t leap back to yourself; you rebuild the road there, day by day
And here’s the part I love: because it’s a brain state and not a lost person, the version of you you’re grieving is genuinely recoverable. One of my clients put it perfectly — she never thought she’d be able to replace the anxious voice in her mind with a warm one. But she did.
One thing to try before your coffee goes cold ☕️
Instead of scrolling old photos and feeling the gap, try this: pick one small thing that reliably used to make you feel like you, a song, a walk, a person, a place, and do it this week. Deliberately. Not waiting to “feel like it” first.
You’re not trying to force the old feeling. You’re walking your brain back down a path it hasn’t used in a while, and paths get easier every time you use them.
You can feel like yourself again
I know, because I found my way back too. I help women rebuild the road to themselves, in person in East London or online across the UK.
Here when you’re ready. 🫶🏼